I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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