My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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