Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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