You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
