just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
