Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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