He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
