no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
In other news, I just burned my penis
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
