How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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