I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
