There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
