i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
