rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
