I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
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