Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
