so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
