I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
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i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
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We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
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