Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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