why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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