I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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