I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
