where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
