Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
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Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
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now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
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