Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
