i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Floor bacon is actually really good
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
