I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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