The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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