I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize