Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
