Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
