I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
