listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
