I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
We were destined to go to rehab together
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
we should paint friendship bongs
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