I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
