seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
