awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
