So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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