I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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