i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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