i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
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