It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Randomize
