Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
