I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
