I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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