I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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