He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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