Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
