i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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