I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
