I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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