How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
