Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
