I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
