i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
