dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
