Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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