You're a womanizer and a bitch.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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