dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
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We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
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He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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