you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
i drank out of a bidet.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
