My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
you win again, gameday.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
