My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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