Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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