textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
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