Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
